"MOTHER! AM I A REAL DEVIL? WHY HAVE YOU BIRTH A DEFINE IN THIS LIFE?"

"Who am I? Am I still human? Now am I a boy or a girl? Or a demon? I don't know, what does that matter now?

It all started when Ka Nhits went to grade 7. At the beginning of the year, Nhits Secondary School organized a soccer competition between classes for girls, and Nhits excitedly participated.

That day, the courtyard in front of the school seemed to be broken by the passionate cheers. Outside, Co Ho's boys stood around in a cheering circle. In the yard, 12 girls compete to chase a leather ball. The Co Ho girls who usually wear skirts, have long nails, etc. enter the match, become much bolder.

Half of the round, Nhits followed the opponent's goal, kicking his feet. As soon as the ball flew away, an arm behind Nhits grabbed the collar of Nhits's shirt and jerked it back, hitting his face straight on the ground.

"Didn't come in, this fruit didn't come in" - a voice shouted.

"You pushed me, you played bad, I didn't do anything to you" - Nhits replied and then a big argument between the girls broke out. "You're not a girl, you're not allowed to play here." After hearing that, Nhits got angry, raised his hand and punched the girl in the face. It fell to the ground, crying violently.

"Yes, you're not a girl", "What kind of girl doesn't have breasts", "You're pretending to be a girl", "You should go and die",… several cursing, pointing, and other repression joined in as one. .

At the age of 8, Nhits followed his father to climb hills and climb cliffs, so his legs were stronger than rocks. At 9 years old, he went  one village to another to collect coffee for the Kinh people, so his hands were faster than squirrels. When she was 12 years old, if she was like the girls of Co Ho, Nhits had breasts that opened up during the first period of menstruation. Yet, during 7th grade, Nhits was curt, bare-bones. Instead of wearing brocade skirts, Nhich prefers jeans and baggy tops. Instead of tying her hair up to reveal an oval face, Nhits prefers to cut her hair up to her ears like the boys of Co Ho village.

A few days later, the girls invited each other to the forest to bathe in Ka La Lake. Under the clear water, they play, poke and show each other their blooming nipples. "Why don't Nhits have breasts?" - Chi asked.
"Probably Nhits hasn't hit puberty yet"  - Thim added.

"But She's different, doesn't change anything like us???".

"Don't think nonsense, Nhits hasn't woken up yet!" - Dim on the edge.

That night, back home, Nhits took off his clothes in front of the mirror. "Am I a girl?", "What kind of girl is stubborn, loves to play football, likes to sleep in the forest, has no breasts",...itsNhits remembers and lies on the bed, crying.

In the summer of 7th grade, Nhits still had her hair long past her back, day by day she would go to school and go home. Outside the village, people still rumored that Ka Doi gave birth to 3 children, the middle child was "possessed by the devil", male did not become male, female did not become female, and then warned children:  "Don't go to that house, don't touch it , the god is angry". Many days when Nhits went out on the street, the children gathered around, cursed, and beat.

That day, Nhits burst into tears, riding a bicycle alone into the forest. Standing at the top of the hill, Nhits pushed the bicycle and plummeted down the wall. The car flew up to the blue sky… bang… bang…, a scream rang out, Nhits hugged his torn shoulder, blood was red, seemingly dead half his life.

At school, sometimes small fights still happen. Today, Nhits got kicked. The next day, hide the notebook. The next day, someone grabbed a ballpoint pen and stabbed Nhits on the back of her hand until it bled, "You deserve to go to school too!".

Parents are busy, Nhits can't confide. Friends are afraid of contagion, no one dares to come near. Every day on the street, with Nhits, it is like entering the gates of hell that she only knows how to ruffle up to fight.

That night, when I returned home, Nhits' phone rang: "Today, I heard that you were beaten? Is it okay? I'm so worried about you!", Nhits cried. Nhits remembers,  childhood to adulthood, only 5th grade had a boy who dared to stand to protect Nhits. That day, he received a slap for Nhits. Friends cursed: "Don't stick to the calf", he ignored, leading Nhits to escape  the encirclement.
His name is Sim, the same age, in the same class, and witnessed each of the beatings he received. In the morning, Sim followed Nhits to school, packed a bunch of cheap candies under the desk drawer with a poem: "You are different  other girls. I will protect you". But in 7th grade, Sim followed his parents to the forest, he quit school midway. Nhits stayed, alone.

In the middle of the night, Nhits turned over the pages of Sim's poems, she collapsed on the table, crying.

In 8th grade, one afternoon after waking up, Nhits looked down at his crotch and yelled: "Mom… Mom… I've become a demon".

Hearing his son's voice, Ka Doi quickly dropped the coffee rake and ran into the room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she gently wiped away the tears that had flowed in rows: "What's wrong Nhits? Did something happen?".

"Mom! I've grown something. It's hard. It's bone. I'm not a girl, I'm a real devil!", Nhits cried furiously.

Suddenly, something terrible ran across her spine, causing Ka Doi to shiver. "How long???" - She tried to stay calm.

"It's been more than 3 months. When I wake up, it's hard again! I'm a demon like the villagers swear, right?". That day, Ka Doi took off her pants and looked closely again: "No… Everything is fine. Tomorrow I will take you to the hospital, the doctor will take all the medicine right away". Just like that, she held the baby in her arms, sobbing every time.

In addition to the village, the coffee fields have reached the red ripeness, the Co Ho people have followed their families to the fields, leaving behind ash gray roofs, lonely and pitiful.

The next morning, Ka Doi borrowed more than 1 million dong, she took her son's hand to climb the hill to the highway to take the car to Saigon. The first time down the mountain, mother and daughter slept all night on the stone bench of Children's Hospital with an empty stomach. Stepping out into the street, looking at hundreds of tall buildings so close to dizziness, Ka Doi was scared.

Doctor tests, blood tests, psychological tests. On the second day, he called Ka Doi into the room:  "46 XY chromosomes", "It's a boy, not a girl", "The penis grows  the vagina, the testicles are reversed, the surgery needs a lot of money! ". The doctor's Kinh language was heard through Doi's ears, and the sound fell, and she collapsed to the ground.

Ka Doi suddenly remembered the day Nhits was born. At that time, a baby girl born prematurely with two extra pieces of flesh dangling  her ribs once made her burst. What will the villagers say when they see your child's deformity? The Co Ho people attach great importance to the mountains and forests, they will think that their mother's Nhits have been "possessed by the devil"? Many nights, Ka Doi hugged Nhits, thinking that he could not live.

However, after a month of age, Nhits suddenly grew up as fast as blowing. As if she knew her fate was defective, she never asked for her mother, strong and indestructible like a forest tree. Growing up, going out into the street, the villagers chased away "the demon", "the ghost", "don't play with that mother and child",... Nhits grabbed her mother's hand again: "Don't worry mom, even if I'm a demon, I'll still I will cook rice for my mother", Nhits laughed, but her heart ached.

A few days later, an American doctor continued to call the mother and daughter into the room, closing the door.

"Do you prefer soccer or skipping rope?" - asked the doctor. "Football" - Nhits quickly replied.

"Do you prefer to wear skirts or pants?" - "Pants".

"Would you rather be a boy or a girl" - "Son."

Finished, he turned to Ka Doi: "I'm exactly a boy. If it's a girl, I won't have children in the future, and if it's a boy, I need surgery to develop normally."

"How much is it doctor???" - Ka Doi demanded.

"120 million".
Co Ho people like Ka Doi live their whole life in Ko Net village, drinking water  Ka La stream and eating plants and trees of Plang forest. In March, they were busy digging coffee holes for the Kinh people. In April, a daughter follows her mother to weave cloth, a son follows her father to the forest, climbing cliffs to pick orchids. In the summer, they come back to gather coffee, tea leaves, plant fields, herd buffaloes, etc. In their whole life, they can't remember how many hills they have climbed, how many waterfalls, how many villages, but the face of the 500 thousand banknote. copper they are not familiar with.

That day, the doctor looked at Ka Doi's swollen eyes. He pulled out a dollar bill  his pocket and put it in her hand: "If you don't have surgery, I'll cut your hair. Give you a boy's name. it's new!".

Ka Doi took her son out of the hospital by the hand, and walked around on the busy, aimless streets. Late in the afternoon, she stopped in front of the hair salon. "You cut my daughter into a boy", she suggested, the employee surprised.
The more meticulously the employee cut the hair branches, the louder Ka Doi cried. The long hair that goes over her back is burnt yellow, which Ka Doi once loved. Each strand of hair fell loosely, she picked it up and bundled it into a long bunch with an elastic band.

Then she took the children to the market. Standing in front of the store, she stroked Nhits' baby's hair and smiled: "I chose 3 boys' clothes that I like. From now on, my Nhits is not a girl anymore, so I call you Gia Khoi. You are me Mommy's son..." Nhits shed tears.

On the street, Saigon's sky was rainy and gray.

The next morning, Doi's mother and daughter took the first bus back to the village. She held Nhits' hand tightly and walked through the hills still asleep, her heart fluttering with happiness, thinking that she had just given birth to Nhits again.

On the second day, Nhits went to school by herself. In the middle of the activity period, the teacher went down to the table and led him to the board: "You guys will call Nhits Gia Khoi  now on. No matter what happens, we still have to respect you", the whole class burst into applause.

The village gradually became more familiar with the image of a boy going to school in the morning and going to the fields to grow coffee in the afternoon. "It's just like her now", "More handsome than a girl"… The words of the villagers complimented Khoi laughing all night.

One evening, he asked his mother to come down to Ka La church to play. Khoi put on his new outfit and rode the bike out of the village. High above, the moon was full and rimmed, squeezing through the pines.

After the ceremony, the whole group of friends went home, laughter and laughter echoed throughout the street. Arriving in the middle of the field,  the bush of wild sunflowers, three black shadows shot out like javelins, flew straight into the car, and kicked Nhits down. The friends stood far away, scared and ran away.

One of them grabbed Nhits' hand and turned it over, pressing it down on the ground. The other two guys, fat and fat, sat up on Nhits calves. Then they punched him repeatedly in the face: "You're the devil in Ke Net", "Take off his pants and see what he's doing in the city". As they spoke, they pulled the torn T-shirt into pieces.

"Stop... Stop it..." - Khoi trembled, trying to push them away to run away, but one of them grabbed a big stick and hit him in the stomach, arm, and calf, causing him to collapse.

Khoi heard his bones crack and crack. Blood gushed  his ear to his cheek and through his lips. The right hand is also bloody, the left side is also bloody, under the abdomen, across the legs, ... all are bleeding net. "Please, someone save me...", Khoi cried. "The bitch. I'll kill you. You don't have the right to live in this land. This day next year will be your anniversary..." - their roars roared fiercely. Khoi could only whisper: "Someone help me", and then fell asleep.

On the sloping terraces, he glimpsed himself being carried upside down like a pig going into execution. The sound of the wood hitting his hand still creaked and the long stalks of rice leaves began to cut into his flesh with every step they took. Khoi daydreams, no longer remembers how long he was dragged away, how far.

When they reached the ditch, they threw Khoi to the ground like a sack of cotton. Then one of them fell on top of him and grabbed his hair: "Now scream. Shout out. Call for someone to come and save you". His five sharp, spear-like nails dug into Khoi's scalp until it drew blood. The other guy put two more arms and pressed it more tightly on top of his head. They accepted Khoi diving into the mud.
"Scream well, scream you bitch," they laughed, a voice filled with poison.

They pull Khoi's head up, then take it down, pull it up, then take it down… Each time it's deeper and more cruel. "Go and die." Mud overflowed on the face, into the mouth, flooded the throat, filled the abdomen, lungs, intestines, liver, heart ... Open your mouth, the fishy smell of blood mixed with mud poured out like a waterfall. “Mom… Mom… Help me… Momeeee,” he wailed until the screams flew across the field, silenced.

Above, the bright phone obscured the moon. The dim light mixed with the laughter of the guests:  "From tomorrow the whole school will be able to see this video. The devil iii". And finally, the line of his pants being ripped off was also heard. The sound of the road is only soft and gentle like the sound of a loom when Khoi's mother sits weaving, adding to that wild sound. The bloody elastic pants were torn in half, torn.

Khoi's body is full of blood. Blood splattered on his shirt, pants, and cotton. Khoi kept lying in the middle of the puddle, his eyes dark.

15 minutes later, a few worshipers left late, the sound of a machine running in the distance sounded. The three young men panicked and ran away. They merge into the darkness and disappear. No one knows who they are.

"That night, I was no longer in pain. Standing on the bridge just wished I could jump off to die. I know that no matter how I change my appearance, they will not forgive me. Every day I live in hell. Is death the end of everything?" - Khoi sobbed.

***

The next semester at school, except for a few petty quarrels, Khoi made many new friends. In the morning he went to school, in the afternoon Khoi went to dig a coffee hole, cut the grass, plant bananas, wade through the ditch and bring home a basket of juicy crabs. In March, Khoi's 9th grade year begins with the golden mimosa season of the mountains.

On March 8 of that year, Ka Doi and her sisters went down the mountain to have fun. That day, women danced happily in the middle of a wine party. "People took a clip and posted it online saying this and that, cursing both her and Khoi. After watching it, she complained, it was their fault that they repeated Khoi's story, the boy would be sad reading it"- Ka Doi said.

Two days later, Ka Doi's whole family was sitting around the dinner table when a group of noisy people came. Khoi could not count how many. The strong men held the log in their hands, swinging their feet and kicking the weak gate that made it easily fall. Their faces were red  anger. "It's there. It cursed me the other day. Telling me to slut this and that", the woman in the middle said and the man ran in, grabbed Doi's hair and pulled him to the front door.
"Hey, curse my wife... Hey, curse my wife", he cursed while swinging his fists like sledgehammers to his head. In pain, Doi lay down and suffered the battle. Around, the villagers stood in a circle, crowded.

"Hitting it, it dares to curse me", "Hit… Hit it...", the woman continued to curse loudly while the men rushed forward like a storm. Khoi's father only had time to intervene, but he was also strangled and picked up: "Your wife dares to curse my wife...". Three children in the house were crying.

That day, Khoi ran out and grabbed the hem of each Co Ho's shirt, begging: "Someone help my mother", but they all just shyly looked at the boy with staring eyes. They, yesterday still walking the same road as Khoi, are now cold and ruthless. "Someone help my parents..." - Khoi cried out loud.

The man dropped Doi on the ground, ran over and grabbed Khoi by the neck and then carried it to the front of the house like a chicken: "You're a demon that was born by it, right?". He pointed to Ka Doi: "I tell you all, I have given birth to 3 children, demons can't become demons, people can't be people, you should know your identity". Having said that, he punched, he kicked, he stepped on Khoi.

Khoi fell down, crying: "Is it true that I became a boy, is that a crime, mother?".

For the first time, after the torn shirt, Doi saw the long zigzag scars on the child's body. The mark on the shoulder is shaped like a star, the mark at the elbow, the mark in the middle of the back is knitted in an X shape..., her heart tightens. More than tears, an unspeakable pain made her stand up, wipe her tears, and argue: "Whether it's a girl or a boy, it's still my child, I know how to raise it myself."

That day, Khoi's tiny hand was strangely warm in her mother's hand. He looked up at his mother, tears slowly rolling down his dark cheeks. No more suffering. No more damage. No more slanderous crowds near and far.

The group of gloating people pulled together to leave, the villagers also left behind the slope...

***

On the day of my farewell, Khoi sent back the diary and said: "I brought it back to Saigon, help me send it to the Thien Nhan-Tran Mai Anh fund. Here, they lost it.". In the stack of papers torn  old notebooks were the 15 years of Khoi's life filled with blood and tears.

Next year Khoi goes to 10th grade, will you still go to school? At the new school, what will you face? The brawl? Argument? Violence?… "This time, I was determined to sell all the cows, sell all the coffee, bring Khoi to Saigon so that he could be given as a son. 120 million would need a lot of cows, a lot of coffee fields, right? " - Ka Doi asked me.

"Thien Nhan Fund-Tran Mai Anh promised me in November, if I had money, they would also give me free surgery. But if I can't, I'm still a girl at birth, so next year I still have to wear ao dai. boys wear ao dai, don't they look like a demon?", Khoi looked at the diary, looked at me, smiled

Join hands to help mother and daughter Ka Nhits and children with disabilities
In November 2019, Thien Nhan Foundation and friends will conduct surgery for 84 children with missing genitals, "lost" of the true sex like Ka Nhits and examine more than 300 other children. Each surgery requires a minimum of 35,000,000 VND. Looking forward to the cooperation of benefactors to heal the wounds of the children and their families.

- All donations should be sent to:
Account Name: VPDD Asia Injury Prevention Foundation in Vietnam

Account number:  1100187251; Commercial Joint Stock Bank Saigon - Hanoi Ba Dinh branch.